Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
