oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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