i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
