I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
