i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
