Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
