I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
