Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
