I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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