New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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