I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
