Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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