I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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