I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
