Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
