6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We need to get me chipped asap
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
