I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
