I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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