im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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