Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
