Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
