i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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