so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
