All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize