I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
