who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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