Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
