im drinking this country out of the recession.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
