I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
