I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
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Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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