your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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