Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
