how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
