I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
