The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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