everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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