I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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