it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
