I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Randomize
