phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
either way he was missing a nipple.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
