you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
