My cat gives me a boner
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
