I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
