I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
