Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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