Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Oh god it's open bar.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
