Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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