I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???