I just pynch a tree in the face
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.