oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
