I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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