Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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