apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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