my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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