So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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