She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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